Graffiti Lost

Editor's note: told by Ryan into a phone, 29 minutes, one take. Cut and punctuated for reading, never rewritten: fillers and false starts removed, a few passages moved so a subject stays together, sections and notes added. That is why two of the ranges on the headings overlap. The words are his. Most of it is probably true.

You ask about my Instagram handle. It's a story within a story within a story. But everybody, and especially you, Colt, wants to understand what it is and why I have it. There are a lot of reasons, a lot of things that made me continue forth with it.

So pull up your crate of MD 20/20. Fortified wine, cheap, sold in flavours that have nothing to do with grapes. and have a seat on this little journey. I'll break it up into a couple different points so you can pull it apart if that works better.

So, childhood.

LOST ................................ the black book, mid 90s
 │
 ├── lost to risk ................... sentencing, close calls
 ├── lost to medication ............. the years he couldn't draw
 ├── lost to piercing ............... ten years of it
 ├── lost to oddities ............... the dead things
 └── lost to tattooing .............. and lost forever

 still up: one tag, a fence in North Portland

The name

00:54 to 03:02

We'll go way back. A little about the 90s.

When I started graffiti, I chose... Graffiti was the first thing that grabbed my heart with art. And in doing so, it also broke my family of really having an artist, as there was none on both sides of the family before myself.

So when that happened, my parents loved to... I don't know, let's just skip that part.

So I went into finding my tag name. Different times, when you're first trying to do it, it's multiple different things and different ways.¹ It probably takes you a lot longer to find one than you think, because it's supposed to be with you forever.

“

It's supposed ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓to be with you ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓forever. ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓

”

As I went down the list of mine, I started with a whole bunch of words that were way too big. And it always resonated with me, because I always have felt lost.

So lost became my graffiti name. And in turn it honed a part of me that was easily explained. I became obsessed with some of those things. All the early quotes. All who wander are not lost.² Tolkien, and all this other kind of stuff.

This was pre social media. It was just me and my The sketchbook a writer develops letters in and passes around for other writers to draw in. Private, and a record of who you came up with., my friends, and lost. And I wrote that for years.

graffiti-lost-01-black-book.png
Alt: A black book spread, LOST worked as a throwie in biro and marker.
Ryan's own hand, mid-90s register, not a clean redraw.

The handle

03:03 to 04:14

When social media came in, at first we were all kind of excited, kind of not. I originally had Lost One as my Instagram handle. But so many of my friends and people were Caught. Arrested or charged for writing.. I didn't understand how rare that small of a name was. So I deleted it and put in graffiti, lost. And then I needed to rep my town. PDX.

And that just became my Instagram handle.

What's weird is I don't even know if I've ever really posted any graffiti to it. Or if I did, I'd probably have deleted it.

I was 18. My first legal tattoo was my knuckles, having no other really visible tattoos.

Lost One, for my graffiti name.

graffiti-lost-02-knuckles.png
Alt: Ryan's knuckles, LOST ONE tattooed across eight fingers.
Drawn or photographed, his call. The strongest single image in the piece.

Lost to risk

04:15 to 05:34

I always thought I was going to be a graffiti artist and just keep doing that. And as I got older the risks became higher. Portland in general has very high sentencing for graffiti crimes.

So I started getting older, fatter, slower. I was also becoming more and more recognizable as just my aesthetic. And Portland was small, so everybody knew everyone.

As enjoyable as it was, it was getting more and more dangerous. I was losing my love for actively doing graffiti illegally, running the streets. I've had a lot of close calls. I've had a lot of friends go in and out of significant amounts of jail for graffiti.

It held my moment. But at the same time, as a lot of my art, it just comes and goes for the time that I'm with it.

Lost to medication

05:34 to 08:09

After graffiti stopped, it's around the same time. Weird connection, but I didn't realize this. It was also around the same time I was going in and out of psych wards for a minute.

So I was losing the graffiti side and increasing my weird, crazy drug drawings. And then after that I really didn't draw for quite a few years.

It was all the medication I was on. It just completely and utterly zapped every life of me out of me. So I couldn't draw to save my life.

And as the years ticked on and I stopped taking as much medication, and started kind of fighting against it, I started finding my love for drawing again. Very little.

Drawbridge, and the murals

From this point it was still kind of graffiti adjacent, as I met a couple new people. And it's when we started this program called Drawbridge. Basically it was a warehouse, after hours, once a week if we could. It was a place for people to just come and do graffiti at the warehouse and not necessarily do the streets. Because again, we were all getting a little bit older, and it was riskier to do it.

We stood up in front of the mayor and the Portland's regional transit agency. Buses, light rail, and the shelters, yards and rolling stock that come with them. and all of these things for graffiti rights. We were the first ones to try to come and say, hey, we should have murals. These murals would stop gang-related graffiti. And basically, they sat on their phones and ignored us.

And lo and behold, a couple years later there was murals all over the place. And none of them were from local artists like we were trying to do.

graffiti-lost-03-drawbridge.png
Alt: A warehouse at night, roll-up door open, a few people painting under one work light.
Wide and atmospheric. No faces needed.

Lost to piercing

07:19 to 10:06

Right around this time I also started my piercing apprenticeship. It was a weird mixture, because I was still really loving this program that I started.

As I got more and more serious into piercing, I was again losing love for art and drawing. I was doodling more, but I wasn't really painting or doing anything monumental like I had been. Because piercing, I just fell in love with it. I was obsessed with it. It was a whole new kind of thing.

I had a lot of different art aspects, but it still didn't have art, art to it. It wasn't art. These are the things that I chose to do in my life. I chose art. I chose piercing.

And this is where my name comes kind of ironic. The way I have it spelled is graffiti lost, P-D-X. So in a sense, graffiti lost to these other art forms that I was starting. And it became less and less interesting. I wasn't looking it up and obsessed, taking pictures of trains. All those things started to really slip away.

From piercing, it just kind of swooped me in. And it just fucking went crazy for a while.

Straight to the Point was crazy. The boss was insane. It was just fucking horrible, wonderful, and just fucking weird. It was old school apprenticeships. I got a piece of paper saying I'm good to go, and that's all I needed to bring to the state.

Lost to oddities

10:06 to 14:49

So then after that point I go back into the porn shop for a brief time. But I'm still trying to find a place to pierce.

And going back, I fell in love with a beautiful girl, and she got me into oddities and dead stuff. So it kind of consumes me even more. It pushed me even further away from graffiti.

But it was weird, because my mindset has always been graffiti adjacent. When I'm making art it's: do it, go, make more, make more, make more. There's no stagnant level at it. That's how I learned to kind of do.³

Content warning: sexual assault. One of the last times he painted live

Oh man, I forgot. There's this one of the last times. This is way back before. Sorry, I got myself a little stoned now. This is one of the last times I painted live at a rave.

It was me and Doug. We were there, and we were painting. And I was feeling really old. We were way older. And we were only getting paid a couple bucks to be there. I don't particularly like the music at this particular rave. So I was going to find a quiet spot for a minute.

I moved around. I was going into this place where it seemed like everything was just chill. But I walked into a sexual assault. It stopped very soon after I arrived, we'll put it.⁴

And so, yeah. Again, it was this bad taste for this thing that I had. It just started growing in all these different ways. And it just wasn't the same. I guess it wasn't as... it got to be cool. It got to be more mainstream. People were like, oh that's cool, oh can you do this. I was always asked to draw all these other things.

When I got to the oddities, I could have washed my brain from every graffiti aspect, because this was, I thought, so much cooler. It was just so insanely weird and different.⁵

Through years of piercing and dealing with dead things, I didn't even paint. I didn't paint or draw. I mean, I sketched up ideas sometimes, but I was just completely and utterly infatuated with this. So my whole entire art completely changed. It was a physical medium instead of paper. And so my black book stopped.

graffiti-lost-04-specimen.png
Alt: A wet specimen jar on a shop shelf.
Small, in the flash line. A spot illustration rather than a full plate.

Lost to tattooing

14:49 to 22:07

I could still draw here or there. This was around the time I was getting hired into Dead Gods. So I'd draw sometimes at work. But I felt so amateurish compared to everyone.

The oddities was mine. Tattooing wasn't. I wasn't a tattooer, so I didn't try to pretend to be with them.

So again, the name made more sense, just to keep it. I lived in Portland. Graffiti lost to these other arts that I have been doing. And the longer I've had this handle, the more relevant it has become in my life.

I have love for the people that do it. And I still look at some pages. I still follow some people, but I'm not obsessed. I wouldn't buy a magazine. Even if I could have a million dollars and buy famous graffiti artists, I probably wouldn't. Honestly, I probably wouldn't at all.

Because again, it was just a different part. It's not dangerous anymore. It's not that. And like other things in my life, it was a lot about the community and the people I was around.

So then we come into tattooing. A big jump, after ten years of piercing.

And I met Eric. Eric is the one who trained Joe and Dom.⁶ We were kindred spirits. We just heard each other. It was kind of like mine and your relationship: this instant, weird love and understanding and intrigue about each other. We only hung out for what felt like years, but I don't even think it was a full year. Maybe a year and a half.

And he was like, dude, why don't you just tattoo? And I was like, those guys ain't going to teach me shit. This is the old days. Those guys ain't going to fucking help me with this.

He's like, I'll teach you. I taught them. I'll teach you. I'll talk to them and get it all going.

And then shortly after that, he passed away.

So that kind of disrupted everything. Eric might've been the thing that could have held us together, but it was also the break of the shop. I saw it happening, and I decided to walk away from Dead Gods, because I knew that they were going to pin me against each other. And it was just going to get gross and gross and gross.

And those were my boys. So I'd rather do that.

And I turned down so much money. It was so much money. And I just said no, because my friendship's worth more than that.

So we go over into Esoteric, where I kind of come back as this manager role with Coleman, and we're going back and forth.

I'm not even asking about tattooing or anything. But it goes a couple of years, and my love for piercing kind of stops. I told myself when I started piercing, when I saw what it is, I saw the good and what it does for people, I told myself: if I ever hated it, I have to get away from it. Because I don't want to hurt anyone that loves it. I want to have the next gen.

So I was talking to Dom about this, maybe a year or two after the school had opened. I was telling him Eric had talked to me. And he was like, well, you can do it. I'll teach you.

??????
 └── Eric Skramstad
      ├── Joe Skramstad
      └── Dominick McIntosh
           ├── Ryan Panian
           │    ├── Fallon Nizzi
           │    └── Colt Peterson
           ├── Coleman Spray
           │    └── many more
           └── many many more

Nobody knows whether Eric had a mentor or just picked it up somehow.

I want to think that Eric's influence of this saying would have done that. But I don't know if that's true. In my heart, that's what I think.

At this point it's been almost ten years since I started drawing regularly.⁷ This is a long time.

But it was funny, because there was a part of me that had this saying when I was younger: you should be a tattoo artist. And I was like, I don't want to draw what other people want me to draw. That's dumb. And I would say that all the time, because I had skills in my weird drug art stuff, but I had a really hard time drawing anything regular. So there was also this rejection of authority, of what I have to do.

So coming into tattooing, it was kind of perfect. It was a big enough break where my hands weren't stupid, but I could still understand art and grow. And I was completely baby, from when I was doing it regularly. So it was really cool to just jump in.

And I really, really thought that it wasn't going to steal all of my art from me, because I really love oddities. I was really liking doing that. But it is incredibly hard for me to do both, because of the micro amounts of stuff. If I do oddities all night, my hands hurt tomorrow because of all the small detail. And then that fucks up my tattooing day. My hands were swollen all the time and it just sucked.

graffiti-lost-05-machine-and-can.png
Alt: A tattoo machine and a spray can side by side, drawn at the same weight.
Could double as the story's card image on the index.

The wordplay

22:31 to 25:05

So, PDX. There's other times where people ask me about it, if I had other handles throughout this whole entire story. But again, with the wordplay, it was very easy to say it was that.

Graffiti lost to piercing. Graffiti lost to medication. Graffiti lost to oddities. Graffiti lost to piercing.⁸ Graffiti lost to tattooing.

And so it was just weird that it just kept going.

Out of all the people and all the times I've ever had to explain the graffitilostpdx: Colt, you have been the hardest to convince, or to tell the story to, because it made zero sense. But that was also at the beginning of me and you, when I was teaching. So it was a lot of combativeness and back and forth, and me being pretty ignorant to actually thinking of being a small business, marketing, all those things.

It was even crazier when you told me that it was kind of a smart idea. And it was actually even more surprising when I was saying maybe this is the time, the moment, to change it. And you told me it wasn't.

So I didn't understand it when you said it, because I thought that that was the good marketing thing. But as we both know, and as I've been trying to understand: every time I put myself in what I think I'm supposed to do, it kind of fucks me up.

“

Every time I put ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓myself in what I ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓think I'm supposed ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓to do, it kind of ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓fucks me up. ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓

”

The fence

25:05 to 29:13

I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. I was thinking I should change it because of that. But it has become me. My knuckles still say Lost One. So it still has this thing that's still attached.

There's still, to this day, as far as I've known... it's been quite a few years since I've been there. The last time I was there was six or seven years ago. But there's still one solo tag from my childhood on a fence in North Portland.

It's still there. If that fence is still there, or no one else has ever hit it. It's just this one little thing. And it's crazy that it's lasted that long.

A lot of people change their names, or get catchy names. But most of my art, and most of the things that I do, it's become part of me in some weird way that I don't even know why it meant what it did.

Because the only thing I could ever answer about it is that, out of all the art that I've ever done, graffiti is the one that lost in the race, and my heart for continuing with it. It would never be the same, because there's just no way to revert back from growing from there.

And even when I picked it up from my friends,⁹ it was still kind of what they were doing. And it wasn't what I was. I didn't know what I was doing, because I was always trying to mimic and become part of the crowd. Become a normal person, or whatever that trail led down.

But that's also probably why a lot of my friends, or people I've known, still love graffiti and they'll do it forever. And I just was cool. I was like, I'm done. I don't care about the respect thing. I don't give a fuck about that stuff.

I wanted to do art that no one was doing. That's where my oddities came from. Piercing, I tried to do that, but that's not the world that that's part of. It's artistic in some senses, but really not that artistic.

And then tattooing came along, and graffiti lost forever.

There's no real insurgence in this. It's not like I'm going to be cool about it or remember it. I can utilize the spray paint techniques and shit like that, but I wouldn't want to just fucking do that again. It just bores me. It can be mimicked and there's no sense of it. People: Banksy, Banksy. That kind of shit.

It's just not what it was in the mid to late nineties. And it never will be. Like lots of art, it comes and goes to something.

I don't feel like I'm really rambling at this point. So that is my story of my handle, graffitilostpdx. And I still don't quite understand why I need to keep it right now. But in my heart, I've kept it this long. So I guess it's just part of me, like everything else that sticks around as long as they do in my life.

There you go, fucker. That's all I got on that.

graffiti-lost-06-fence.png
Alt: A cedar fence in North Portland with one small tag on it, the rest weathered blank.
Wide and quiet. The last thing on the page.

The recording is indistinct here. He is describing trying several tag names before one sticks. The machine transcript reads "I bet he different times", which is its best attempt at a phrase that is not clearly audible. ↩
The line is Tolkien's, from The Fellowship of the Ring: "Not all those who wander are lost." Ryan inverts it. Kept as he said it, because the inversion is arguably the more accurate motto for the story that follows. ↩
The same thought, in the same breath: "If I'm doing stuff, it's kind of move at a fast pace. Sell low, inventory high." ↩
Verbatim, with the false start left in: "But, I walked into, like, a sexual assault. And, did, you know, the sexual assault. It stopped very soon after, you know, I arrived. We'll put it." ↩
"This is also around the era where I was like, maybe I should start making these other Instagrams, because all my friends and people had been following me up to this point, and were all still following the Graffiti Lost page. So it felt weirder to kind of delete it. I started doing other Instagrams and I just never... it's hard for me to do that. I've always had one and it's been a lot easier to manage. So those kind of fell off, with no name changed." ↩
Eric Skramstad. Joe is Joe Skramstad, Dom is Dominick McIntosh, and the line below sets them out. Eric's surname is taken from the handle he wrote under and from Joe's; nothing in the recording says it. ↩
The ten years run the other way round. It is how long it had been since he drew regularly, not how long he had been drawing: the recording reads "since I started drawing or, you know, drawing regularly or, or every day or anything", and the paragraphs either side of it are about the gap. ↩
Piercing twice, in that order, and he does not go back for it. Kept: the list is a man counting on his fingers, not a written line. ↩
Indistinct. The machine transcript reads "even when I picked it up, I graffiti from my friends". ↩